The ULTIMATE contest (STE)

[punch]

As Takedown comes back from commercial, we go to Matt Goldman and Buzz Berman at the announce table.

Matt: What a show we've had so far. And we're not done by any means. The XWA European tour ends next week, with one of the most important Pay Per Views in the XWA schedule, Only The Strong.

Buzz: The tournament to declare the last spot in The Last Dance at XGames. For a lot of the guys in it, this is their last shot at glory. The last chance for them to get a chance to compete for the XWA World Title.

Matt: You said it, Partner. But the OTS Tournament isn't the only order of business. There's going to be plenty of issues settled up. It's going to be a night of action no one will soon forget.

Just then, an unexpected entrance theme hits the PA.

Buzz: Wait a minute. Is that? Oh noz...

Matt: Jonny Punch is on Takedown. And I don't think it takes a Rocket Scientist to figure out why.

With his trusty Kendo Stick in one hand, and a mic in the other, Punch makes his way down to the ring. In usual fashion, he hops up on the barricade and raises "The Stick" high. A huge pop from the fans follows, as Punch hops down, then slides into the ring. Inside of the ring, Punch peers out to the crowd for a few seconds before beginning his address.

Last week, Syrus The Entertainer came to my show Overload, and did a number of things that weren't cool. First off, he road out on what will forever be known as the single most gay military personnel vehicle ever. To top that off, he did it wearing Purple camouflage. But the last thing he did was the most uncool thing of them all. He beat me. And anyone with a pulse and a brain knows that when you beat Jonny Punch, you've got a problem. Cuz when you beat me, I've gotta beat you back worse. And that my Spanish friends, is why I'm out here on Takedown. You see, I wanted to do something special with my grand return to Takedown. Something that people will talk about for ages. And while I was flipping through the channels in my hotel room, it hit me. So what did I do? I got on the phone, and called in a favor from a guy I've been a fan of for a long time. And surprisingly enough, he's been a fan of mines for a long time as well, so it all worked out in the end. So...at this time, I'd like to bring out to the ring, my guest for the evening...












WILMER VALDERRAMA!


Matt: This just gets more unexpected as it goes.

Out from backstage comes Valderamma, who had a mic himself. As the fans cheer loudly, he as well makes his way to the ring, joining Punch inside. He then speaks.

Punch game me a call, and said he wanted to do something that's never been done in XWA before. The ULTIMATE contest. Something that Syrus The Entertainer would never, ever, EEEEEEEEEEEVER be able to beat him at. What is you ask?

They both look at each other with cheeky grins, then say simultaneously...

Yo Momma.

Buzz: You've gotta be freakin' kiddin' me. He brings that B-lister our here so he can host a Yo Momma joke contest on Takedown, against Syrus?

Matt: Not so fast, Buzz. I'm looking forward to this. I LOVE Yo Momma.

Buzz: I bet you like Nick Cannon's Wild'n Out, too.

Matt: As a matter of fact I do.

Buzz: Figures...

So Syrus. How about ya' get off the redhead, and get your purple butt down here, and let's have us a REAL battle.

With the same cheeky grin, Punch lowers his mic, and all in attendance, as well as the fans at home, wait for the arrival of STE.

[Syrus The Entertainer]

CAN YOU DIG IT?

CAN YOU DIG IT!!??

CAAAAAAAAN YOOOOOOOOOOOU DIGIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!


The question's asked, and the fans answer with booming cheer as STE steps out onto the stage. Looking through some purple shades, his raises an eyebrow at what's surprisingly about to go down. High fiving all the fans on the way down to the ring. Then he steps in himself where a mic is waiting for him, and first before he says anything he gives Takedown's special guest a hard handshake.

Well, ain't this about a bitch! Wilmer Valderamma's in the building! Punchy, I didn't even know you had it like that. Now, let me get this right...first you still have a problem with my tank, and now you wanna throw down in a Yo Momma contest against me? I warn you dog, I'm from the hood. We invented yo mamma jokes!

He turns to the fans.

Does all of Madrid wanna see this go down?

They answer with a big "YES!" and Syrus shrugs the old shoulder.

Aight then, the people have spoken then. Let's make it happen...

[punch]

Wilmer speaks up next.

Well, I guess you both know the rules already so...


LET'S BULL IT!

And the contest was officially ON. Punch fires the 1st shot.

Syrus? Yo momma has wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers.

A collective "oooooooooooh" from the crowd follows.

[Syrus The Entertainer]

Syrus nods at the first shot, but he's got something better to fire back with.

Oh yeah...

Well, I heard yo' mama got lost in thought because it was such unfamiliar territory.

Matt: Ouch, that's gotta sting a little.

[punch]

The next joke from Punch...

Yo momma's so fat when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

Even Wilmer cringes from that one.

Buzz: Ow...that ain't right.

[Syrus The Entertainer]

Yeah? Well Yo mama so big, every time she walks by the TV you miss a season of CSI!!! Probably can't even tell how Lawrence Fishburne got onto the cast!

Matt: Hey, did you know Sarah Sidle is back on the show, too?

Buzz: Didn't know that.

Matt: Hmm, I wonder why?

[punch]

Punch smirks, then decides it was time to start throwing some haymakers.

Uh huh...well, yo momma's like a stamp. You can lick her, stick her, then send her away and never see her again.

Matt: Ow. Now THAT'S hitting below the belt. Looks like Punch is getting a little agitated.

Buzz: The rule to a Yo Momma contest is when you lose your cool, you lose the fight. Punch looks like he's gettin' pretty close.

[Syrus The Entertainer]

The crowd was oohing and ahhing from that shot. Syrus shakes his head and puts up the mic again.

Well, that was a good one right there wasn't it? I got something special for you though, Punchy. A rhyme, cuz I'm a poet and I'm about to show it!

Ahem...

...I don't mean to be mean, but yo mama breath smells so bad she needs Listerine. I don't mean just a sip and not just a swallow, her breath's so bad she need the whole damn bottle!

Matt: Oh, now wasn't that creative. Syrus is a man of many talents isn't he?

As everyone is getting their chuckles in, Mr. Valderamma steps into the middle now.

"Ok, Ok guys...we could be here all night, so now, it's final round time. You get one more shot to make one more joke here, so make it count, and whoever makes it sting the most will be the winner!

Punch, you're up first."

[punch]

Punch loads up and fires.

Yo momma is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ugly...Yo when she was a baby they stuck her in a corner and fed her with a slingshot.

Wilmer winces, the crowd chuckles, and Punch grins as if to say "yea, I got this."

[Syrus The Entertainer]

While Punch now was looking as if he had this evenly matched war or words in the bag, Syrus' final shot was one that was simple and straight, but hit like a freight train.

Well, I heard that Yo Momma is a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and oh-so easy to nail!

Buzz: Ooooh! That one had to hurt! Look at Punch, you can see a vein popping out of his skull!

Even Wilmer cringed after Syrus fired that one off. The reaction of the crowd as well had pretty much sealed the deal.

"I know I'm gonna get into something for saying this one, but...wooooooow-weeeeeeeee!!! I think we have ourselves the winner of the XWA edition of Yo Momma, and it's Syrus The Entertainer!"

With the official decision made, Wilmer reaches over and raises Syrus' hand in the air, victorious. Syrus is nodding and smiling as he looks on at the crowd as if to say "I warned him"...but in a split second, things suddenly went from light-hearted to heavy-handed. Valderamma was just barely able to get out of the way, but Syrus wasn't so lucky...

[punch]

Out of the clear blue nowhere, Punch takes aim at Syrus' skull with The Stick.

CRACK!!!

Even Syrus' precious Afro could protect him from the sting as Punch delivers the shot right to the top of his head. Syrus falls to the floor clutching his head as Punch stands over him.

My mommy's NOT A HO! But you? You're gonna be a in a "ho" lotta pain tonight. Cuz it's gonna be you, me, The Stick, some chairs, A couple 2x4s, A sledgehammer, and whatever else they can drag out to the ring. You might have the jokes, but we're gonna see if you have the chops to last in my domain. HARDCORE WRESTLING. If you thought that hurt, wait until I hit you with somethin' harder.

Punch throws his mic down to the ground. He then leaves the ring in a displeased huff.

Matt: Not the most gracious of losers, is he?

Buzz: You don't know Jonny Punch that well. The man's never met a problem he couldn't solve by beating it over the head with chair, or worse.

Matt: All of sudden, it's not looking good for STE. The unenviable task of taking on Punch in a Hardcore match is his to bare it would seem.

Buzz: I'll say one thing though, it'll be ENTERTAINING! Get it?

Matt: I think you'd better leave the jokes to the pros, partner.

Buzz: Everyone's a damn critic...